Catacombs and Kunoichi
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: A parody set in the world of a tabletop RPG where Sasuke is an egocentric munchkin, Naruto is an overzealous roleplayer, and Itachi is the GM who has to put up with their antics.
1. What's a Shinobi?

**Catacombs and Kunoichi**

A _Naruto_ crackfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

><p>Rating: T+, for matureimmature language

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Team 7, Itachi; [N/A]

Summary: A parody set in the world of a tabletop RPG where Sasuke is an egocentric munchkin, Naruto is an overzealous roleplayer, and Itachi is the GM who has to put up with their antics.

* * *

><p><em>"Okay, so what's the setting for this one, again?"<em>

_"Ninjas. Elemental magic and demons. That kind of stuff."_

_"Ah, right. Cool."_

* * *

><p>Our story begins twelve years ago, with the attack of the nine-tailed demon fox on the Village Hidden in the Leaves. It was a great and terrible beast, ancient beyond mortal reckoning. So immense was its power that, with a mere flick of a tail, it could level mountains and generate tsunamis.<p>

But for the heroism of the village's leader – the Fourth Hokage – the Nine-Tails would have destroyed the Hidden Leaf. He sacrificed his own life to seal the demon away, trapping its life-force in the body of a newborn infant.

This infant was named Naruto Uzumaki.

"Wait, Nick gets a demon sealed inside him? Dude, no fair! I want a demon too!"

"Sean, you're _already_ the last surviving member of an uberpowered clan of super-genius ninja with magic eyes capable of seeing through illusions and copying any spell they see."

"Yeah? And your point is?"

_AHEM._

The _backstory_, guys? Mind paying attention? I put a **lot** of effort into this.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"Meh. Whatever."

Anyway, _as I was saying_, Naruto was ostracized by the village as he grew up. Despite never knowing the reason for his pariah status, he strove constantly to be acknowledged by those around him, ultimately resorting to pranks and misbehavior so that he would at least—

"_Laaaaame_. Why's the backstory all about Nick? What about MY character's tragic past?"

"Since when did you care about roleplaying, Sean?"

"Who said anything about roleplaying? Your character's just a lame misunderstood orphan. That shit's boring as _hell._"

"Right. And your character is SOOO much more interesting."

"Damn right, bitch. He's a grade-A original **badass**."

Hmph.

Fine, whatever.

There was _also_ a boy named Sasuke Uchiha, who was the last surviving member of the ancient and powerful Uchiha clan. Once a founding family of the Leaf Village, all members but Sasuke were killed when his stronger, cooler, and much more handsome older brother Itachi snapped and killed them all for repeatedly interrupting the exposition he spent weeks carefully crafting.

Sasuke declared that he would take revenge on his brother and restore his clan no matter the cost.

"Hey, Isaac. About that."

Hm? Yeah?

"Do I get to take his stuff when I kill him?"

... ... ... _What?_

"My character's brother. Do I get to take his stuff when I kill him?"

...I am not even going to dignify that with a response.

Anyway, Sasuke's cookie-cutter backstory aside, Naruto attended the ninja academy of the Hidden Leaf, where he struggled with even the most basic of ninja arts, despite vowing that he would gain the recognition of the entire village and become a Hokage to surpass all who came before him.

In spite of many hardships, he ultimately manages to pass the final exam after learning the art of shadow doppelgängers from the village's scroll of forbidden seals, during a certain incident in which he learned part of the truth behind his existence.

_"Ahem."_

...and Sasuke also happened to be the top of his class in virtually every subject, with a fan club of squealing preteens who adored his dark and angsty loner act.

"Hell yeah. Bitches LOVE that shit."

So, with their promotion to genin – the lowest rank of ninja – Sasuke and Naruto are placed on a team together, alongside one Sakura Haruno. Their instructor, Kakashi Hatake, is the son of the disgraced White Fang, former student of the Leaf's Yellow Flash; he is famed throughout the land as a genius shinobi, and known by the moniker of "Copy Ninja" for his possession of—

"Yo. Quick question."

Sigh.

_Yes,_ Sean?

"The fuck's a shinobi?"

[Session called to a premature close due to GM violently and repeatedly slamming his head on the table.]

* * *

><p>AN: The premise for this fic is very loosely based on a _Naruto_ WMG from TV Tropes, which I have mused multiple times could make a very humorous fanfic. This story is pure crack, and should not be taken seriously.

Also, let's be honest – how many of us actually knew of _shinobi_ as a synonym for ninja prior to exposure to _Naruto_?

(Sean is the name of Sasuke's player. Nick is Naruto. The GM is Isaac.)

**Updated:** 11-6-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


	2. The Long Wait

**Catacombs and Kunoichi**

A _Naruto_ crackfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

><p>Rating: T+, for matureimmature language

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Team 7, Itachi; [N/A]

Summary: A parody set in the world of a tabletop RPG where Sasuke is an egocentric munchkin, Naruto is an overzealous roleplayer, and Itachi is the GM who has to put up with their antics.

* * *

><p><em>"Dude, Nick, what's with all the folders?"<em>

_"Research."_

_"...what for?"_

_"You'll see."_

* * *

><p>Okay. So, now that <em>certain parties<em> have been brought up to date on the basic terminology of this setting, let's get back to the game.

Now, let's see, where were we last time...? Let me check my notes here...

Ah, yes.

_Ahem._

You two and your new teammate are waiting in your classroom at the Ninja Academy. The graduating students have all been divided into cells of three with elite shinobi assigned to them as captains. The other jounin instructors have all picked up their assigned teams, leaving you three as the only ones remaining in the classroom.

It is a pleasant day outside, though the school is largely quiet. You can hear songbirds outside the windows, and the sun streams in over your forms. The three of you are all eager to begin your shinobi careers, and are starting to feel anxious as you wonder what is taking your squad leader so long.

"I check the floor for traps," Sasuke says, looking suspiciously at his surroundings.

...are you sure, Sean? This is just a classroom.

[Sean rolled his eyes.]

"Yeah. A _ninja_ classroom, dude. I'm not taking any chances."

Fine. You search the floor for traps. _Naturally_, you don't find any. Regardless of whether or not it's for ninja, this is still just a school. The three of you have been attending class in this room every day for the past year without incident.

This is not a dungeon. There ARE no traps here.

A moment of silence passes. You consider what the wise and benevolent game master has just told you. Clearly his wisdom is equaled only by his magnanimity.

"I check the ceiling for traps," Sasuke says, giving the air a very distrustful look.

A noise of shuffling papers interrupts your idiotic declaration, and all present turn to look at Naruto, who is presently rifling through a stack of papers.

...

...wait.

Nick? What... _are_ you doing with all those reference sheets?

"I'm double-checking to see what my character would most likely do in this situation."

"_Jesus_, Nick. You take this shit way too seriously."

[A pause.]

"Is... is that... a _relationship chart?!_"

"My character is an ostracized orphan starved for attention. Keeping a list of the people most important to him is crucial if I want to get inside his head."

I see. Well, I can certainly commend your dedication to roleplaying your character as realistically as possible. Sean could stand to learn a thing or two from you.

"Thanks. Say, how long have we been waiting for our _sensei_, anyways?"

Sasuke gives Naruto a weird look.

"_'Sensei'?_" he parrots disbelievingly.

"It's Japanese, Sean. We're playing a ninja game."

"You are _such_ a dork."

"Whatever. So, Isaac, how long HAVE we been waiting?"

How long?

Uh...

Gee, I don't know. Maybe a couple of hours?

"I _see_."

[Nick's pencil began to scribble furiously on his papers.]

"Okay," says Sasuke, shaking his head and sighing. "It looks like Nick's gone bye-bye. Alright."

He turns to look at Sakura, assessing her.

"So, what's she like?"

Huh?

"Our other teammate. Sackerra, or something. What can you tell me about her?"

Oh, _Sakura?_ Yes, okay... I believe I have her character sheet around here somewhere.

Yes, yes. Here we go.

_Ahem._

Sakura Haruno is one of your classmates from the academy. She is the daughter of career genin Kizashi and Mebuki Haruno. Although her physical abilities are at the lower end of the spectrum, she is very intelligent, consistently achieving high marks on all of her written exams.

Sakura strives to fit the ideal of a delicate, graceful woman, and she is very much a romantic at heart, but she also has a volatile temperament and a streak of unruliness. Her dream is to become great ninja in her own right, and while she does not have all the natural advantages of _some_ people, she nonetheless has the potential to go very far with the right training.

"Ugh. _Boring._" Sasuke rolls his eyes. "I don't care about some NPC's backstory. I just wanna know if she's hot."

... ... ... _hot?_

"Yeah, man. I mean, what is she on the babe scale? An eight? A nine?"

She's _twelve_.

[A pause.]

Sasuke's eyes light up with an inappropriate interest.

"Whoa, that good? _Dayum_, her rack must be—"

No.

No, Sean. Not **a** twelve. She IS twelve. As in, _twelve years __old._

All three of you are.

[A moment of thoughtful silence.]

"...well then," Sasuke says belatedly, shrugging. "If we're _both_ twelve, it shouldn't be too weird... She is one of my fangirls, right?"

Eh?

Er... well, uh, maybe?

Your character IS top of his class, so I suppose it wouldn't be out of the question for Sakura to admire his skill.

"Awesome. She can be my first groupie!"

Wait, what?

[Nick set down his papers, interrupting the other two.]

"Alright! I've got it!" Naruto exclaims, catching Sasuke's attention. "After a bit of research, I think I've finally narrowed down my character's most likely course of action to two distinct possibilities. Either he tries to start a conversation with _Sakura-chan_ (on whom he has a crush)—"

"—Hell no! Get your own damn groupies, Nick!"

"—**OR** he prepares a trap for his tardy sensei."

... a... _trap?_

"Well, nothing _dangerous_, obviously. Just a harmless bit of fun, like sticking a chalkboard eraser on top of the door."

You DO realize your instructor is an elite ninja, right? One of the best in the entire village?

"Right. So they should be able to evade it with no trouble, correct? And besides, I may know that, but it's not certain my _character_ would have realized as much yet."

Sigh.

Fine, whatever. Make the roll for setting up a trap.

[A d20 clattered on the table.]

...

"..."

"... huh. A natural twenty."

Well.

Alright, then.

* * *

><p>AN: What are the odds? XD

(Isaac is apparently obsessed with narrating everything... yeah, let's say that's the reason for the schizophrenic format.)

**Updated:** 11-12-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


	3. Obligatory Introductions

**Catacombs and Kunoichi**

A _Naruto_ crackfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

><p>Rating: T+, for matureimmature language

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Team 7, Itachi; [N/A]

Summary: A parody set in the world of a tabletop RPG where Sasuke is an egocentric munchkin, Naruto is an overzealous roleplayer, and Itachi is the GM who has to put up with their antics.

* * *

><p><em>"..."<em>

_"..."_

_"...huh. A natural twenty."_

_"Well. Alright then."_

* * *

><p>You set your trap with no trouble. Opening the door slightly ajar, you prop a chalkboard eraser just on top of it. It is a simple trap, one that no self-respecting ninja would ever really fall for.<p>

Nonetheless, feeling satisfied with yourself, you step back to appraise your work. Sakura eyes the set up of the prank with disapproval, but you can see just the slightest glint of eagerness in her eyes.

"You better not start horning in on my fangirl, Nick," Sasuke mutters, giving Naruto a dark look.

"I won't, I won't," Naruto says in a dismissively reassuring fashion.

A few more minutes pass as you wait for your new teacher to arrive. Soon enough the door opens, and the eraser comes free from its precarious perch. It falls straight for the head of your team captain.

Despite easily being skilled enough to detect and avoid this laughably simple trap, your instructor decides to humor you and let the eraser hit him, secure in the knowledge that by this time tomorrow he will have all three of you broken and begging for mercy.

"Wait, what?" says Sasuke, looking suddenly very anxious.

In spite of the dark navy mask covering his nose and mouth, and the headband slanted over his left eye, you get the distinct impression that the man is smiling – perhaps imagining the three of you on your hands and knees, sobbing – as he strokes his chin and laughs.

Looking each of you in the eye in turn, he says, _"Hmm... how shall I put this? Based on my first impression, I'd have to say..."_

He pauses for a second, dragging the moment out for dramatic effect. He's still smiling at you with his one visible eye. Finishing up, he cheerfully concludes:

_"...I hate you!"_

Sasuke gives Naruto a black look. His left eye twitches.

"Goddammit, Nick."

* * *

><p>Following that little incident, your new instructor leads the three of you out of the classroom. You follow him outside to the roof of the academy, where he sits down on the railing across from you.<p>

"I check the roof for traps," says Sasuke, glancing nervously around the area.

...you're still at the academy, Sean.

"Yeah, so?" he says. "I seem to recall a certain campaign where you had us ambushed by an army of gelatinous cubes in the first session. We hadn't even left the inn, yet!"

...

...yes, well. As I was saying, your instructor sits down on the railing and looks at the three of you sitting on the steps.

_"Now, I'd like you all to tell us a little bit about yourselves," _he says.

_"Like what?"_ Sakura asks, ever the inquisitive one.

_"...you know,__"_ he says with a dismissive shrug. _"The usual. Your favorite thing... what you hate most... dreams, ambitions, hobbies. Things like that."_

"What? Are we seriously doing this right now?" says Sasuke, looking exasperated.

"This is important stuff, Sasuke," Naruto says, grinning at his teammate.

Sasuke gives Naruto a dark look.

"What'd you just call me, Sean?" he glowers.

"Sasuke. That's your guy's name, Sean." Naruto replies. "I'm trying to help you get into character, man!"

Sasuke rolls his eyes.

"Whatever."

_"Help us out here, master__,"_ says Sakura, reminding the two of you of the present situation. _"How about you go first and show us how it's done? After all, you're a complete stranger to us... a mystery."_

Your new team leader yawns, looking blandly at Sakura.

"_Oh... me?"_ he says. _"My name is Kakashi Hatake. I'm the kind of person who doesn't feel like talking about his likes and dislikes." _

He pauses, looking mildly thoughtful.

_"My dreams for the future are none of your business..."_ he adds. _"But anyways, I have lots of hobbies..."_

He trails off, and Sakura turns to look at the two of you, a faintly exasperated look on her face.

_"Hey..."_ she mutters, frowning irritably. _"He said a lot... but all we really learned was his name."_

"That sneaky sonuvabitch," Sasuke mutters, narrowing his eyes. "He's up to something, isn't he? I roll to sense motive."

[A die clatters on the table.]

Beat.

Sasuke looks sheepish.

"...okay, uh, that was just a practice throw," he says. "This one's for real!"

He's a _jounin_, Sean. Elite of the elite. Even if he WAS up to something, a fresh academy graduate like you wouldn't be able to detect a thing.

Sasuke scowls.

"Oh, that is _bullshit,_" he mutters. "I knew I should've invested more points into wisdom..."

Kakashi speaks again, interrupting your mutterings.

_"Now, it's your turn,"_ he says, pointing to Naruto. _"Starting with you on the right."_

Naruto grins.

"Me, right?!" he says cheerfully. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto!"

"Wait," Sasuke mutters, confused. "I thought your character's name was... uh..." He glances at Naruto's character sheet. "...Narr-yoo-toh Uh-zuh-macky...?"

"Our characters are ninja," Nick replies out of character. "In Japan it's customary to list the family name first."

Back in character, he continues:

"What I like is instant cup ramen! What I like even better is when Iruka-sensei treats me to ramen at the Ichiraku noodle bar!" Pausing, he frowns, and adds, "What I hate most is the three minutes it takes for my ramen to cook."

["Jesus, Nick. Just because you live off the stuff..."

"It's cheap, okay? I figure it's something an orphan like my character would be able to afford without any trouble..."]

"And my dream is to one day..." Naruto continues. "...become _hokage_ and surpass everyone who's come before me! Then everyone will HAVE to acknowledge me!"

A pause.

"My hobbies are... pranks and practical jokes, I guess."

Kakashi looks exasperated when he says, _"Next."_

Sasuke stares blankly at nothing for three seconds.

"Uh, do I have to do this bit in character?" he asks.

Yes, if you would be so kind.

He glowers, muttering about unfair game masters and stupid roleplayers.

"Okay... uh, my name is..." Shuffling papers. "..._Sass-yook Utchy-huh_... but you can call me 'The Sauce'. I like ale and whores—"

"—what part of _Japanese setting_ do you not understand?" Naruto mutters. "If you have to, at least say it like _'sake and geisha__',_ or something."

Also, must I remind you that your characters are only _twelve?_

"—alcoholic beverages and cheap prostitutes," Sasuke says stubbornly. "Also, _loot_. I **dislike** roleplayers and finicky skin-flint GMs. I don't have any _dreams_, but I do have a goal: to become the most badass mofo in the world, conquer a couple nations, acquire a metric shit-ton of riches, and have loads of kinky sex with all of my hot ninja groupies."

... ... ...er.

Um.

What about your _brother_, Sean?

"Eh? I'm an only child, dude."

"I think he means your _character's_ brother, Sasuke."

"Oh, right. Sure," Sasuke says with a shrug. "I guess I can ice that Itchy scrub somewhere along the way, too. Y'know, if I can find time in between kicking ass and banging my harem."

..._fine_. I suppose that's the best I'm gonna get out of you.

_"And finally,__"_ Kakashi says, pointing at Sakura. _"The young lady."_

Sasuke raises his hand.

"Yo, Isaac," he says. "You mind if I do her here?"

Only if you mean you want to roleplay her answer. You are on the roof of a school, I might remind you, and – _again_ – only **twelve**.

An awkward silence enues.

"...sure. That's exactly what I meant," Sasuke says, looking shifty-eyed.

[Clearing his throat, Sean proceeds to do a very poor and unflattering imitation of a female voice.]

"I am Sackerra Har-ara-noo. My favorite thing is... well, it's not a _thing_, it's a person. A boy... and that boy is... uh, well, let's move on to my dream. Teehee!"

She blushes and lets out an ear-piercing squeal.

A beat.

Her expression hardens, and she says, "I hate..._ Narr-yoo-toh!_"

"That's _Naruto_," Naruto blandly corrects her.

"Yeah, him," she says. "Whatever."

Kakashi sighs.

_"Enough,"_ he says, shaking his head. _"I believe we all understand one another. Formal training begins tomorrow."_

"Dude, Isaac, are you _sulking?_" Sasuke says incredulously.

["Am _not_."]

Naruto perks up, however and salutes eagerly.

"Yes, sir! What will our duties be?! Boy, oh, boy! Our first real shinobi mission!"

Kakashi crosses his arms, and the faintest ghost of a smirk crinkles his eye.

_"Our first project involves only the members of this cell," _he tells you.

"What is it? WHAT?" Naruto asks eagerly, rocking back and forth in place.

_"Survival exercises."_

"Survival?" says Sasuke, his eyes gleaming. "That means danger, and danger means LOOT! Oh, man, I am SO there!"

Kakashi gives you a wry look.

_"Oh,"_ he says, _"but you'll have to survive... against **me**. This won't be your typical practice."_

"...that sounds ominous," Naruto whispers.

Sasuke gave a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Bah, it'll be a gimme," he says. "As long as you don't mess up my groove."

Kakashi laughs.

_"I'll give the three of you one night to rest up and prepare. Bring all of your ninja tools and weapons."_ His eye glints with sadistic amusement. _"Oh, and also... don't bother eating breakfast. Not unless you want to taste it again on the way back up!"_

With that final warning, he vanishes, leaving the three of you to prepare.

Okay, now. I think that's enough to warrant a little break.

Who wants pizza?

"As long as I'm not the one paying," says Nick.

"I'll have extra cheese on mine," Sean adds. "Also, I paid last time."

...

Cheapskates.

* * *

><p>AN: Sean/Sasuke's dialogue is some of the more enjoyable to write in this... mostly because he just has NO FILTER when it comes to gaming. Nick/Naruto is a much more dedicated roleplayer, so half of the stuff he says is in-character, and thus nothing terribly new.

I based most of the IC dialogue in this on the official English translation of the manga, though I took a **lot** of liberties in trimming the expositional fat near the end of the chapter...

**Updated:** 11-18-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


End file.
